'You let me try/
Knowing there was nothing I could do to change you/
You could’ve warned me/
Knowing there was nothing I could do to change you.’
Let me be clear. I am infatuated with Ryan Gosling. Can’t deny it. Won’t deny it. Not ashamed. But even if it weren’t his dulcet tones and beautiful face, I would still dig this, so that’s saying a lot.
Worst case scenario - poo and fan meet.
Best case scenario - (see above minus me).
I’m spending a lot of energy trying not to be enraged; not to hate this man; not to wish I could inflict the same violence on him that he has inflicted on innocent children and desperate mothers; to be Christian; to be true to God’s word of mercy and forgiveness. But if I am not enraged then I feel helpless. If I’m not enraged, I don’t feel like I care enough. Mostly, if I’m not enraged, I will have to be sad. I will have to cry incessantly. And I can’t do that either. Because tears don’t change a thing. Sadness will not change a thing. So I talk and blog and reblog and tweet and retweet and post, post, post. Because that’s how I communicate now. That’s how I make my opinions known.
I am still enraged and I am still sad, but I don’t wish harm on Kermit Gosnell. He has done evil things but we have all done evil in our lives and a sin is a sin is a sin. And God’s presence in my life will no longer allow me to hate, even in moments when I truly wish I could. Even when I’m sure that a person deserves it. Because that’s not my job. It’s not my call. My job is to keep forgiving and to keep asking for forgiveness. Sometimes I don’t like it. Sometimes the burden feels too heavy, but always, my job is to love.
I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow. She wants to discuss my career options. The word ‘potential’ was bandied around (yuk) and apparently it would be a good idea to work more closely with her and the senior team.
I cannot think of anything worse.
It’s not just because I’m a notorious underachiever, but because I can see that she’s working an angle that I don’t like. She knows that one of our seniors is looking to leave asap so she’s looking , not for a suitable, qualified replacement, but a ‘malleable’ replacement. What she doesn’t know is that A) I don’t play well with others and B) I am not a Yes-Man.
What she also doesn’t know is that I’m barely good at the job I’m doing now because it’s not interesting. To me or, I would imagine, anyone else. The financial services industry is something I fell into after uni because all the jobs that would hire a graduate in Creative Arts was in Sydney.
There are too many people in Sydney. There are some people in Sydney that I love and love dearly. But they are very very few.
So anyway, I’m tying to figure out how I’m gonna politely decline any offers of advancement, and slip back under the radar. Why is it that when you’re quiet, people think there’s something wrong or that you’re hiding a big secret? I mean, there IS something wrong (actually, a lot) and I AM hiding a big secret (secrets - plural, and none of them are mine) but that’s beside the point.
Sometimes I think I’d rather work in a factory. But factory workers lose their jobs all the time. Or their limbs.